Day 42

Last Night!

Yes, yes, this is my last night in PPD... until my next study anyway. The hours have crawled more than I hoped they would, but the day is, in fact, almost over, and I will soon breathe air again.

So here's the rest of my schedule with PPD:
6:29 pm - Dinner
9:24 pm - Blood draw
20:29 pm - Snack
1:24 am - Blood draw
8:54 am - Feel check
9:04 am - 3 minute sit
9:07 am - Vital signs
9:24 am - Blood draw
10:54 am - Urine collection
11:04 am - 5-minute supine
11:09 am - 12 lead ECG
11:24 am - Blood draw
11:39 am - Physical
11:45 am - Collect subject's weight
11:46 am - Exit search
12:00 pm - Check out

So there's that.

I somehow managed to get into my first real religious argument in 42 days on today, the forty-second day. And then there was a second one an hour later. I'm not sure argument is the right word, because arguments require two people, but it was definitely a discussion I had wanted to avoid. Oh well though, it wasn't entirely a bad thing.

I was sitting there with a guy who very strongly anti-religion. He and I have talked about religion several times, and I have strongly held the opinion that religion can definitely be dangerous because it is often misused and misunderstood, but that I didn't think that made the whole thing "evil". However, because of the guy's personality, I had felt it would be better not to make the argument too personal, so I had never admitted to having any faith of my own and he never asked. The argument never got anywhere because his grudge is neither personal enough to be sympathized with or intellectual enough to be argued against. Just... acquired, picked up along the way, and never doubted.

I'm playing a board game with that guy when another guy, who I haven't talked to very much, walks up and randomly asks, "Seth, do you believe in God?" Now, the people who I do talk to regularly (neither of the two I was with at the time) do know my beliefs a little. They know my father is a pastor (which I have found to be the easiest route into a talk on faith because so much of my story is then assumed, and largely right) and when they asked what denomination of Christian I claim to be I told them: "Just Christian." Response: "So, non-denominational?" Me: "Eh, if you have to put me somewhere, maybe. I prefer the term a-denominational. Or all-denominational." response: "Protestant?" me: "Mostly." Those conversations have always been pretty open-minded and cool.

But this guy today, without any larger context in which to discuss faith, asks me if I believe in God. So, I look him in the eye and say: "Yes, I do." Then he asks, "Do you believe Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins?" This is where I may have made a mistake. I'm not sure. I answered, "I believe Jesus died on the cross." He answers, "But you don't believe he died to save us from our sins?" I answered truthfully, "Levonte, I don't know why Jesus died on the cross exactly. It's very confusing to me, and I don't think anyone actually has a clear idea of why he died. I kind of think his death wasn't nearly significant as his life or resurrection." Anyway, things kind of degenerated from there. As soon as I realized that he was offended by this statement, I was quick to explain that the fact is that I don't know the truth any better than he does, so he could definitely be right and I could be wrong, but that I didn't think the why matters as much as the result. There was at this point a crowd of people standing around listening to the argument, but not joining in. They were more okay with my answers than Levonte was. Eventually, Levonte walked off, unsatisfied, and looking a little betrayed, I think. I was sorry to see that.

Immediately, several of the more anti-religious people in the audience, including the guy I mentioned earlier, started bad-mouthing Levonte and explaining that he was an example of the problem with religion, that his blind adherence to doctrine was idiocy and blah blah blah. I kept defending him, saying that his faith is simple, maybe immature, but that Levonte is still a young guy and he has a passion and drive that I admire. I said that his faith means a lot to him and they should take it seriously for his sake, even if they don't believe it. Eventually, as they got further down the path of religion-bashing, I just said, "Look guys, I believe almost everything that Levonte does, and we probably agree on everything that really matters. When you talk about his belief, you're talking about my belief." This shut them up, and there weren't even - I think - any hard feelings. If anything, they seemed maybe impressed by my resolve. I dunno; I'm not interested in proselytizing or making them like me.

Anyway, maybe two hours later, over lunch, someone started it up on evolution with a guy in here who he knew didn't believe in evolution. Actually, the conversation started over something Tito said about how some seeds can fertilize and grow into plants in your stomach, which everyone disagreed with completely and then he said that cockroach eggs can hatch in your body and kill you. Everyone thought that was ridiculous too, and he eventually claimed that it was science that he had seen for himself on some tv show, and all we had to do was go find the science ourselves. Then Wallace launched into Tito, saying that how could Tito (who doesn't believe in evolution) believe in one part of science and not in another. They all went at it for a while. I was sitting right across from Wallace, and I told him it had not been right to bring that up in this setting, that he was just stirring trouble. After a few minutes, Tito left, and Wallace stirred it up again! Asking everyone, "I was right, wasn't I? How could he?" And once again I found myself defending someone I didn't agree with. I said that Tito wasn't stupid or illogical, just misinformed. He had never really been taught, probably, the overwhelming evidence for evolution, and people - probably his parents - told him that it was just a theory. I told them that they were right: it is just a theory. It's a good theory that observation backs up, and that I believe it, but that they should all understand that they could all be wrong, and maybe Tito was closer to right than any of us. I said that a lot of men much smarter than me believed for a long time that the earth was the center of the universe because that is what they observed. I also argued that Tito had been taught that he had to either choose religion or science, faith or reason, and never both. That if evolution was right, that the whole Bible would crumble, and his faith would be meaningless. One guy nodded his head and talked about long-earth creationism.

After a few minutes, the talk turns from evolution and religion to the real heart of the matter, which was the ways in which several guys had been hurt by the church. One guy said that his mother was kicked out of the Catholic church because her parents divorced then she was kicked out of the Methodist church because she was hanging out with a married man that she didn't was married. Guilty by association, he called it.

At this point, I had to leave anyway, for a blood draw, so I just said. "Man, that sucks. I'm sorry about that. It's crazy how many people from the men who flew the plane into the World Trade Center to the people in those churches really don't get the whole point of their religion, what's in their book. Really sad." Then I had to go.

I guess I'm glad these conversations happened. I'm glad they happened on the last day, because I've never wanted to be defined by what I believe as much as by how I believe it. While I wouldn't lie about my beliefs or hide them, if my 'christian' label makes it hard for someone to hear me, I'd rather talk to them as just co-people discussing something that matters to us both, because that's what we are. Just two people.

Whew... 16 hours left!