Day 25

Dinner tonight is spaghetti, toast, and juice. The Friday Night Special. After tonight, I get to have this meal 2 more times. That ain't bad at all! I don't mind the food, but I can't wait for the day in about 2 weeks when each meal that I eat here will be the last time time I eat that meal.

They took us on a walk the past two nights. I hope they take us on a walk tonight. It's funny how everything about this place forces me to live in the present moment. It doesn't seem to have that effect on everyone, and I'm not sure why, but to me, the monotony combined with the unpredictability of treats forces me to live only in today, because looking forward to anything isn't really possible.

For that matter, it's possible that we won't actually get to leave on the day they told us we're leaving! It's possible that my blood levels might still be out of range, and they have to keep me here under observation until they get in range. Granted, I don't think that very likely (They have to pay us extra for those extra days, which I am certain they don't want to do if they can help it, and I'm PRETTY darn sure I'm on the drug now, which means that after Monday, I'll be on the placebo, so my blood levels will be sure to be in range), but I had to make plans for the night of the 31st with the knowledge that on the 31st, I might still be stuck in this house outside of time!

Last night, when they offered to take us on a walk, I smiled, surprised, and gladly enjoyed the walk they gave us. That walk was three times as long as the walk the night before last. Every tech seems to have a different idea of what the study doctor allows us to do. We even had a tech who said we weren't allowed to walk across the little bridge crossing the artificial stream, which baffled every one of us. So even when we get walks, we cannot begin to assume what that means or how much pleasure we will get out of it. In fact, only by assuming that we might only get a 5 minute walk on the little segment of the path between bridges were we able to really appreciate the extra long walk yesterday!

The "activities tech" (a cute girl named Bev who comes to PPD for 5 hours each afternoon just to play games) made her way to our area of the facility and we played poker for a dollar flashlight and a deck of cards. (PPD is oh, so generous on those prizes) Like everything else, there is nothing predictable about when Bev visits us or whether she brings poker or bingo or arts&crafts or something else. So I don't have any way to predict that either.

Pretty much everything except drug procedures and meals are unpredictable. So a portion of my day is exactly the same, day to day, and a portion cannot possibly be predicted. So what do I do with that? I do today what happens today. I'm assuming they are not taking us on a walk tonight, will not plan on it, but will be delighted if they do take us outside. Even if only for a minute or two.

Can I have this attitude on the outside, where planning is a necessary part of life? I think so. I've already - as I said - planned something, knowing full well that it just might not work out. Sure, I would be a little disappointed, but at the same time, I would be getting more money. And basically, it would be out of my control, so I can't really do much, can I?

There's something to be said for understanding how completely out of control we actually are in life.