Day 30

I understand and respect the importance of these studies as scientific experiments in which ALL variables have to be accounted for, so I know that you really do have to be on time to procedures and do what they say, but I have to admit that they are definitely nazis around here. The issue I take offense at is not that they are strict, but that they don't see us as coworkers or even really as humans. We're just the lab rats. When I say they, I mean some - but not all of - of the techs, but I'm really talking about the larger PPD culture which I think encourages that attitude. I don't know whether it was the subjects who see this as a quick buck and don't really care about earning their pay who caused the system to stop treating all the subjects as peers or whether sincere people came into PPD, were treated like cattle, and stopped caring about their studies.

I know that a technician is cool if they refer to me by my name instead of my initials. If they refer to me as "subject 107" which is my number, then I have difficulty being friendly. I don't step out of line though. I toe their line and answer to my number because I know that I'm not in a concentration camp. I am here for money and it's easy money too. All I have to do is fly under the radar. Be on time, eat all my food, and keep my mouth shut.

The fact is that they have a really incredible hierarchy system around here. Doctors are really like royalty. They show up when they want to and do what they want to. If you have a physical scheduled with a doctor, expect to be there half an hour early in case he shows up early, but don't expect to actually get seen for half an hour after your scheduled time, because he might just be too busy for you. I have seen coordinators run around sweating because the ECG results were on the page after the vitals results, and the wanted them on the page before. Just below doctors are the study coordinators, who decide who gets docked and deal with the sponsors (the drug company sponsoring the study). Parallel to study coordinators are the paramedics, who don't seem to care what the paramedics think and know that they are superior human beings to everyone beneath them on the hierarchy. Beneath paramedics are the numerous techs. Beneath techs are housekeeping and kitchen, who can't go to all areas of the building and often don't speak English. At the very bottom are the subjects, who are peons.

For the most part, techs are the worst people, because they are so close to the bottom, and answer to so many people, that some of them love every opportunity they can find to take a power trip and show their strength. Also, they might just be the worst because they are the only people who we interact with regularly. Really, they just have a ridiculously large number of rules that they choose whether or not to enforce. If they like you, they don't enforce the rules. If they're having a bad day or you get on their nerves, they enforce the rules. That's what happened to Austin. He's jumped over beds before, because he just has that much energy after being in here for 30 days, and no one has said a word, but the tech this morning was in a foul mood, so when he jumped over a bed (Austin is a contortionist who can cross his legs behind his head while sitting in a chair and eating dinner.) she went straight to some mysterious higher authority, higher even than the doctors, and - according to Austin - greatly exaggerated his foul just to get him in trouble. Austin said it, but I believe it.

Speaking of higher authorities, if doctors are royalty and study coordinators are our feudal lords, there are gods in this world. Gods of war and food and merriment that we poor peons are too unworthy to ever see. I have never seen a god, and - as is usually the case with the gods - I don't ever want to see a PPD god. Kim Noo, the subject advocate I told you about earlier, she is Prometheus maybe, or the Virgin Mary. Perhaps we subjects should be offering sacrifices to these PPD gods. Asking The Advocate to carry our cases before the gods.

It is the goal of most here to reincarnate as royalty then demigods, and maybe, eventually, to become gods themselves. Every now and then, a janitor will become a tech. Techs go to school and become paramedics or study to be doctors. Some become coordinators and hope to climb to the administrative districts of Mt. Atlas. Only the peons, the study subjects, hope for nirvana. We hope to leave this crazy world altogether. Maybe it's heaven we yearn for, the larger world beyond these walls where royalty and gods and peons are equals.

As for me, I just keep my head low, try not to attract the attention of the my superiors, say "yessa massa" when I have to, and count down the days until heaven. And you know the funny thing? I think I'm having a much easier time than those who think to change the system.

Am I a bad rebel? No, this just is not my fight.