Another day.
Nothing to say.
Today has moved at a predictable pace, and time progresses inevitably toward that wonderful day.
The funny thing is that I'm not entirely sure what day I'm talking about. I'm looking forward to several. The day I get out, of course. The day after I get out. The day after that.
The evening, between dinner and snack, might be the longest stretch of the day, or the shortest. It's hard to tell.
So, I bumped into a new social network site online today. Actually, someone on Facebook (another social network) tipped me off. It's www.goodreads.com. I haven't really messed around with it too much, but it looks pretty cool.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Day 31
So I got my iPod in today. A foolish purchase - it cost me two and a half days as a lab rat - but I'm definitely thrilled to have it. I put all my music and audiobooks on it now, then deleted the audiobooks from my computer so I have room to download more. Which I am now doing. Thanks, Mom.
Everyone in here is getting a little crazy, me thinks. The once sweet-natured old country man grandfather figure now screams into his phone and plays board games with the intensity of a serial killer. I would not be exaggerating to say that he intimidates me a bit. I wonder too if the people he is talking to on the phone recognize that it is not him that's talking, but the demon released by cabin fever. That makes me wonder if I'm really seeing anyone around me, or just their demon.
The fact is demons aren't real. Not like I'm using the word at least. That's just a metaphor, because the evil old man and the gentle old man are still the same old man. The demon that slips out from between your lips or peers out of your tired eyes is still you. And even though I try to understand the reason for your bad behavior, it's still your behavior.
So the point is that our demons are coming out. And the best way to soothe any flaring tempers is just to say "11 days, buddy. 11 days." Which is all that needs to be said and all that can be said.
On that note, today, day 31, makes this the longest study I've ever done. So yeah.
Enough said?
Everyone in here is getting a little crazy, me thinks. The once sweet-natured old country man grandfather figure now screams into his phone and plays board games with the intensity of a serial killer. I would not be exaggerating to say that he intimidates me a bit. I wonder too if the people he is talking to on the phone recognize that it is not him that's talking, but the demon released by cabin fever. That makes me wonder if I'm really seeing anyone around me, or just their demon.
The fact is demons aren't real. Not like I'm using the word at least. That's just a metaphor, because the evil old man and the gentle old man are still the same old man. The demon that slips out from between your lips or peers out of your tired eyes is still you. And even though I try to understand the reason for your bad behavior, it's still your behavior.
So the point is that our demons are coming out. And the best way to soothe any flaring tempers is just to say "11 days, buddy. 11 days." Which is all that needs to be said and all that can be said.
On that note, today, day 31, makes this the longest study I've ever done. So yeah.
Enough said?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Day 30
I understand and respect the importance of these studies as scientific experiments in which ALL variables have to be accounted for, so I know that you really do have to be on time to procedures and do what they say, but I have to admit that they are definitely nazis around here. The issue I take offense at is not that they are strict, but that they don't see us as coworkers or even really as humans. We're just the lab rats. When I say they, I mean some - but not all of - of the techs, but I'm really talking about the larger PPD culture which I think encourages that attitude. I don't know whether it was the subjects who see this as a quick buck and don't really care about earning their pay who caused the system to stop treating all the subjects as peers or whether sincere people came into PPD, were treated like cattle, and stopped caring about their studies.
I know that a technician is cool if they refer to me by my name instead of my initials. If they refer to me as "subject 107" which is my number, then I have difficulty being friendly. I don't step out of line though. I toe their line and answer to my number because I know that I'm not in a concentration camp. I am here for money and it's easy money too. All I have to do is fly under the radar. Be on time, eat all my food, and keep my mouth shut.
The fact is that they have a really incredible hierarchy system around here. Doctors are really like royalty. They show up when they want to and do what they want to. If you have a physical scheduled with a doctor, expect to be there half an hour early in case he shows up early, but don't expect to actually get seen for half an hour after your scheduled time, because he might just be too busy for you. I have seen coordinators run around sweating because the ECG results were on the page after the vitals results, and the wanted them on the page before. Just below doctors are the study coordinators, who decide who gets docked and deal with the sponsors (the drug company sponsoring the study). Parallel to study coordinators are the paramedics, who don't seem to care what the paramedics think and know that they are superior human beings to everyone beneath them on the hierarchy. Beneath paramedics are the numerous techs. Beneath techs are housekeeping and kitchen, who can't go to all areas of the building and often don't speak English. At the very bottom are the subjects, who are peons.
For the most part, techs are the worst people, because they are so close to the bottom, and answer to so many people, that some of them love every opportunity they can find to take a power trip and show their strength. Also, they might just be the worst because they are the only people who we interact with regularly. Really, they just have a ridiculously large number of rules that they choose whether or not to enforce. If they like you, they don't enforce the rules. If they're having a bad day or you get on their nerves, they enforce the rules. That's what happened to Austin. He's jumped over beds before, because he just has that much energy after being in here for 30 days, and no one has said a word, but the tech this morning was in a foul mood, so when he jumped over a bed (Austin is a contortionist who can cross his legs behind his head while sitting in a chair and eating dinner.) she went straight to some mysterious higher authority, higher even than the doctors, and - according to Austin - greatly exaggerated his foul just to get him in trouble. Austin said it, but I believe it.
Speaking of higher authorities, if doctors are royalty and study coordinators are our feudal lords, there are gods in this world. Gods of war and food and merriment that we poor peons are too unworthy to ever see. I have never seen a god, and - as is usually the case with the gods - I don't ever want to see a PPD god. Kim Noo, the subject advocate I told you about earlier, she is Prometheus maybe, or the Virgin Mary. Perhaps we subjects should be offering sacrifices to these PPD gods. Asking The Advocate to carry our cases before the gods.
It is the goal of most here to reincarnate as royalty then demigods, and maybe, eventually, to become gods themselves. Every now and then, a janitor will become a tech. Techs go to school and become paramedics or study to be doctors. Some become coordinators and hope to climb to the administrative districts of Mt. Atlas. Only the peons, the study subjects, hope for nirvana. We hope to leave this crazy world altogether. Maybe it's heaven we yearn for, the larger world beyond these walls where royalty and gods and peons are equals.
As for me, I just keep my head low, try not to attract the attention of the my superiors, say "yessa massa" when I have to, and count down the days until heaven. And you know the funny thing? I think I'm having a much easier time than those who think to change the system.
Am I a bad rebel? No, this just is not my fight.
I know that a technician is cool if they refer to me by my name instead of my initials. If they refer to me as "subject 107" which is my number, then I have difficulty being friendly. I don't step out of line though. I toe their line and answer to my number because I know that I'm not in a concentration camp. I am here for money and it's easy money too. All I have to do is fly under the radar. Be on time, eat all my food, and keep my mouth shut.
The fact is that they have a really incredible hierarchy system around here. Doctors are really like royalty. They show up when they want to and do what they want to. If you have a physical scheduled with a doctor, expect to be there half an hour early in case he shows up early, but don't expect to actually get seen for half an hour after your scheduled time, because he might just be too busy for you. I have seen coordinators run around sweating because the ECG results were on the page after the vitals results, and the wanted them on the page before. Just below doctors are the study coordinators, who decide who gets docked and deal with the sponsors (the drug company sponsoring the study). Parallel to study coordinators are the paramedics, who don't seem to care what the paramedics think and know that they are superior human beings to everyone beneath them on the hierarchy. Beneath paramedics are the numerous techs. Beneath techs are housekeeping and kitchen, who can't go to all areas of the building and often don't speak English. At the very bottom are the subjects, who are peons.
For the most part, techs are the worst people, because they are so close to the bottom, and answer to so many people, that some of them love every opportunity they can find to take a power trip and show their strength. Also, they might just be the worst because they are the only people who we interact with regularly. Really, they just have a ridiculously large number of rules that they choose whether or not to enforce. If they like you, they don't enforce the rules. If they're having a bad day or you get on their nerves, they enforce the rules. That's what happened to Austin. He's jumped over beds before, because he just has that much energy after being in here for 30 days, and no one has said a word, but the tech this morning was in a foul mood, so when he jumped over a bed (Austin is a contortionist who can cross his legs behind his head while sitting in a chair and eating dinner.) she went straight to some mysterious higher authority, higher even than the doctors, and - according to Austin - greatly exaggerated his foul just to get him in trouble. Austin said it, but I believe it.
Speaking of higher authorities, if doctors are royalty and study coordinators are our feudal lords, there are gods in this world. Gods of war and food and merriment that we poor peons are too unworthy to ever see. I have never seen a god, and - as is usually the case with the gods - I don't ever want to see a PPD god. Kim Noo, the subject advocate I told you about earlier, she is Prometheus maybe, or the Virgin Mary. Perhaps we subjects should be offering sacrifices to these PPD gods. Asking The Advocate to carry our cases before the gods.
It is the goal of most here to reincarnate as royalty then demigods, and maybe, eventually, to become gods themselves. Every now and then, a janitor will become a tech. Techs go to school and become paramedics or study to be doctors. Some become coordinators and hope to climb to the administrative districts of Mt. Atlas. Only the peons, the study subjects, hope for nirvana. We hope to leave this crazy world altogether. Maybe it's heaven we yearn for, the larger world beyond these walls where royalty and gods and peons are equals.
As for me, I just keep my head low, try not to attract the attention of the my superiors, say "yessa massa" when I have to, and count down the days until heaven. And you know the funny thing? I think I'm having a much easier time than those who think to change the system.
Am I a bad rebel? No, this just is not my fight.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Day 29
I'm listening to another David Sedaris book, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, right now. I spent most of the day before dinner listening to another audio book, The Great Transformation by Karen Armstrong, which is a massive book about the beginnings of religion. (By massive I mean 24 hours long, since I have no physical mass of pages to judge.)
So today was normal again: no extra blood draws. Of course, normal is sort of a joke, and sort of a tragedy, because it means that we have 13 more days of the exact same thing before real normality returns.
So today was normal again: no extra blood draws. Of course, normal is sort of a joke, and sort of a tragedy, because it means that we have 13 more days of the exact same thing before real normality returns.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Day 28
A Kinetics Day is almost over. It wasn't that bad. 10 blood draws flew by just like that. Which is what I expected, actually. I have been looking forward to this day for a while now, because I knew it would go by quickly - too busy to really do anything - and because it means I only have two weeks left! I'm in the last third. And it cannot go by quickly enough.
I just watched an interesting documentary about the illegality of the IRS. It wasn't very good, very conspiracy theory-esque, but unfortunately, it got me thinking. I have thought for some time that the income tax is an extremely bad idea, because (a) it was unconstitutional before the 16th amendment and (b) it was unconstitutional because the federal government was never intended to have (or need) that much power.
Here's a little plan I thought up during government class almost a year ago. I was interested in ending what I still see as a highly unethical tendency towards violence in American foreign policy. I also wanted to reestablish a government that is afraid of its citizens, not the other way around. I looked it up after watching this documentary and despite being pretty idealistic, it still looks pretty good to me.
1. Establish national tax on imported oil.
2. Recycle this money into alternative energy research.
3. End US reliance on foreign oil.
4. End all overseas conflicts as quickly as possible.
5. Pull all troops back to America.
6. Cut military spending by 75%
7. End US reliance on military industrial complex.
8. Increase focus on defensive military.
9. Return 1/3 of former military spending as tax breaks incentives for acts of public welfare, nationally and internationally, to create strong private charity system.
10. Invest remaining 2/3 of former military spending back into economy to compensate for loss in military industrial complex sectors.
11. End all international free trade agreements.
12.. Close privately-owned federal reserve and assign management of American money to the treasury department.
13. Carefully decrease above economic stimulus, giving economy time to handle change.
14. Pay off national debt and lower taxes with former military spending.
15. As federal taxes decrease, move more currently federal expenses to state government.
16. Return election of national senators to state legislatures.
17. Abolish federal income tax.
18. Allow federal funding through tariffs and customs only & temporary income taxation on profits only (businesses, not personal wages) during crises to be approved by 2/3 majority in congress for 5 years.
Conclusion: An independent United States with a smaller federal government that is committed to international isolation and a populace that has economic incentives to privately promote general welfare, including internationally.
The argument that might be made is that doing this is giving the terrorists exactly what they want. That is completely true. While the methods of terrorists are completely immoral and discolor any ideas they propose, if American foreign policy really is destructive and immoral, as I believe it is, then the United States has a moral obligation to do exactly what the terrorists want, not because we have lost, but because it is right.
If we end our military presence elsewhere in the world and create a culture that allows and encourages private charity in Americans, anti-American proponents of terror tactics have no ground to stand on! Can the government really be blamed if a voluntary coalition of American citizens donate ten billion dollars to the preservation of Israel against its enemies? No.
While I do not like the idea of standing in the corner while injustices are being perpetuated around the globe, I know that Jimmy Carter, Colin Powell, and a pastor, traveling to North Korea, acting on behalf of a non-profit organization, not the government, went MUCH further toward convincing Kin Jong-Il to end social injustices in his country than the government ever has. The point is not that it is not our ethical responsibility to protect and defend the weak and helpless, but that it IS our responsibility to do just that! Not our government's responsibility. Ours, the citizens.
But of course this will never happen, because too many people have too much money hanging on global government, and too much power hangs in the balance. And I am left musing: if I live in a country that abuses its power to kill and destroy, what do I do? I'm thinking of the guy who asked Jesus whether he should pay taxes, and Jesus said to give to Caesar what is Caesar's. That's pretty remarkable when you think about how the Romans surely used the money the Jews gave them, to hurt many people, including the Jews. Those taxes would pay the soldiers who would tear the temple down. What do you do with that?
I just watched an interesting documentary about the illegality of the IRS. It wasn't very good, very conspiracy theory-esque, but unfortunately, it got me thinking. I have thought for some time that the income tax is an extremely bad idea, because (a) it was unconstitutional before the 16th amendment and (b) it was unconstitutional because the federal government was never intended to have (or need) that much power.
Here's a little plan I thought up during government class almost a year ago. I was interested in ending what I still see as a highly unethical tendency towards violence in American foreign policy. I also wanted to reestablish a government that is afraid of its citizens, not the other way around. I looked it up after watching this documentary and despite being pretty idealistic, it still looks pretty good to me.
1. Establish national tax on imported oil.
2. Recycle this money into alternative energy research.
3. End US reliance on foreign oil.
4. End all overseas conflicts as quickly as possible.
5. Pull all troops back to America.
6. Cut military spending by 75%
7. End US reliance on military industrial complex.
8. Increase focus on defensive military.
9. Return 1/3 of former military spending as tax breaks incentives for acts of public welfare, nationally and internationally, to create strong private charity system.
10. Invest remaining 2/3 of former military spending back into economy to compensate for loss in military industrial complex sectors.
11. End all international free trade agreements.
12.. Close privately-owned federal reserve and assign management of American money to the treasury department.
13. Carefully decrease above economic stimulus, giving economy time to handle change.
14. Pay off national debt and lower taxes with former military spending.
15. As federal taxes decrease, move more currently federal expenses to state government.
16. Return election of national senators to state legislatures.
17. Abolish federal income tax.
18. Allow federal funding through tariffs and customs only & temporary income taxation on profits only (businesses, not personal wages) during crises to be approved by 2/3 majority in congress for 5 years.
Conclusion: An independent United States with a smaller federal government that is committed to international isolation and a populace that has economic incentives to privately promote general welfare, including internationally.
The argument that might be made is that doing this is giving the terrorists exactly what they want. That is completely true. While the methods of terrorists are completely immoral and discolor any ideas they propose, if American foreign policy really is destructive and immoral, as I believe it is, then the United States has a moral obligation to do exactly what the terrorists want, not because we have lost, but because it is right.
If we end our military presence elsewhere in the world and create a culture that allows and encourages private charity in Americans, anti-American proponents of terror tactics have no ground to stand on! Can the government really be blamed if a voluntary coalition of American citizens donate ten billion dollars to the preservation of Israel against its enemies? No.
While I do not like the idea of standing in the corner while injustices are being perpetuated around the globe, I know that Jimmy Carter, Colin Powell, and a pastor, traveling to North Korea, acting on behalf of a non-profit organization, not the government, went MUCH further toward convincing Kin Jong-Il to end social injustices in his country than the government ever has. The point is not that it is not our ethical responsibility to protect and defend the weak and helpless, but that it IS our responsibility to do just that! Not our government's responsibility. Ours, the citizens.
But of course this will never happen, because too many people have too much money hanging on global government, and too much power hangs in the balance. And I am left musing: if I live in a country that abuses its power to kill and destroy, what do I do? I'm thinking of the guy who asked Jesus whether he should pay taxes, and Jesus said to give to Caesar what is Caesar's. That's pretty remarkable when you think about how the Romans surely used the money the Jews gave them, to hurt many people, including the Jews. Those taxes would pay the soldiers who would tear the temple down. What do you do with that?
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Day 27
This is the latest in the day that I have posted yet. I almost didn't post at all.
Instead, I unexpectedly spent most of the afternoon and evening playing Settlers of Catan. I brought the board game, but the people I met were clearly not the board game type, so I never brought it out, but today, someone who is an hour after me in all procedures (therefore wakes an hour after I do, eats an hour after I do, and so we never really cross paths) saw the game under my bed and got excited because he loves the game.
It's definitely nice having some people who want to play board games that I know now, but I still really want to spend some time reading and stuff, and these guys are psyched about how fast the time flies playing Settlers and intend to play it as continuously as possible. I'm sure they'll be able to find other players when I'm not in.
I should mention that I have also realized that the stories of woe and misery that I told a few days ago seem to not be as widespread as I thought. The people who are scheduled immediately before and after me have lives like that, and others that I have talked to tell similar stories, but I've known that there are older guys and a few younger college educated guys who don't seem to be stuck in that rut. However, fortunately or unfortunately, I don't cross paths with those people. I don't eat lunch with the people who are similar to me. At the same time, it is nice to spend the afternoon playing a board game with people who don't look completely confused at the sight of a board game. It's like being home, or something.
And now I'm off to bed. Tomorrow is Kinetics Day which means lots of blood.
Instead, I unexpectedly spent most of the afternoon and evening playing Settlers of Catan. I brought the board game, but the people I met were clearly not the board game type, so I never brought it out, but today, someone who is an hour after me in all procedures (therefore wakes an hour after I do, eats an hour after I do, and so we never really cross paths) saw the game under my bed and got excited because he loves the game.
It's definitely nice having some people who want to play board games that I know now, but I still really want to spend some time reading and stuff, and these guys are psyched about how fast the time flies playing Settlers and intend to play it as continuously as possible. I'm sure they'll be able to find other players when I'm not in.
I should mention that I have also realized that the stories of woe and misery that I told a few days ago seem to not be as widespread as I thought. The people who are scheduled immediately before and after me have lives like that, and others that I have talked to tell similar stories, but I've known that there are older guys and a few younger college educated guys who don't seem to be stuck in that rut. However, fortunately or unfortunately, I don't cross paths with those people. I don't eat lunch with the people who are similar to me. At the same time, it is nice to spend the afternoon playing a board game with people who don't look completely confused at the sight of a board game. It's like being home, or something.
And now I'm off to bed. Tomorrow is Kinetics Day which means lots of blood.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Day 26
What is there possibly to say? I've been typing before I've been thinking for 26 days now.
There is a thing or two that I might say, but I don't really want to say anything.
Tomorrow is a Sunday. I have 3 more Sundays in PPD. 2 more Saturdays in here. 2 more dinners of teriyaki chicken with a sugar cookie.
Monday will be a "kinetics day", which means that it's the end of a dosing period, so we have a lot of extra blood draws. I think like 10 or 12 total.
And now back to Car Talk...
There is a thing or two that I might say, but I don't really want to say anything.
Tomorrow is a Sunday. I have 3 more Sundays in PPD. 2 more Saturdays in here. 2 more dinners of teriyaki chicken with a sugar cookie.
Monday will be a "kinetics day", which means that it's the end of a dosing period, so we have a lot of extra blood draws. I think like 10 or 12 total.
And now back to Car Talk...
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