Day 11

I read the book of Job today. I listened to Krista Tippet interview Ingrid Mattson about being the first woman president of the Islamic Society of North America, Terri Gross interview Tim Weiner about the secret history of the CIA, and Radio Lab try to answer the question "Who am I?" I had chicken fajitas for lunch, and I ate the black beans because I have to eat everything. Dinner was spaghetti.

I am more jittery than ever. I feel like I'm ADHD. Or on speed or something. I have had shaky hands today a couple of times. It's not really a problem, because it's just energy slipping out however it can. I swear though: when I get out, I'm going to go running every day. You see the prison movies where the character spends all day doing situps and pushups so they come out of prison completely buff. I understand that now. If it weren't for the fact that they don't want me to exert myself, I might just spend large portions of the day working out however I could.

The truth is, i'm not sure what there is to say about today. Absolutely nothing special. The redshirts moved out, so it's a little more quiet around here, but that's not very interesting.

(Since I wrote that last, they took us on another walk. I'm hoping they want to take us on a walk every evening, but if they do, they don't want to tell us, because I think they're afraid that if they say that, we'll hold them to it. Either way, it was nice outside. Not nice.. wonderful.)

I think I am going to have to start giving myself more time per day to post to this blog. The truth is that I have things to say. I have a lot to say, a lot that is on my mind! I've spent years now researching, studying, learning, growing, and now I'm starting to realize that I'm not crazy to be confused and angry about things going on in this world. Some stuff is just wrong, and some things that happen are just stupid, and some people really, really... REALLY need help. A lot of help.

And there is beauty and loveliness in the world that we have forgotten about! Some things that should be amazing have been lost, but they're not hiding! They're in plain sight, right under our noses, but we're blind to beauty, too afraid to open our eyes.

This burning in me to say what I need to say has been rising for some time now, but I've held it in, intentionally, waiting until I feel like I know better how to say it. I'm reading as much as I can this study, and listening to anyone who thinks they have a bright idea, because I'm trying to synthesize something, create something, express something that's on the tip of my tongue.

But I get bogged down in the learning and the listening, and then sit down at about 7 every night, after dinner, and think "what do I want to say today?" and it doesn't come, because I haven't been asking it all day! A sentence, a phrase, a thought, an idea pops into my mind, but I have to fight the idea, pulling it against its will from the dark corners of my soul, and as I'm doing it, the thought occurs to me "I want to post this soon, so that people can read it tonight, if they wish." And then they come in and ask if I want to go on a walk! And there's no way on earth I'm going to say no, and not a chance I'm going to complain about that little gift, but by the time I get back, it's after eight o'clock, and I still don't have anything to say!

So maybe I pull something together, or maybe I can't and I just talk about my day, but the fact is, that I'm getting bogged down each day in trivialities, thinking about the daily banal nothings of life. It seems to me, that if there was one thing that everyone does wrong, that might change the world if it were fixed, it would be those nothings! If I, stuck in PPD with nothing to do except read and write and think, can't find time to actually really think, then what hope is there for a thinking humanity in this chaotic world? I think everyone has something to say: a passion burning inside that wants to get out, but it gets shut down by continuous fear and nervousness and stress of... nothings.

What would it be like if everyone really forced time in their mind to think about what they really want to think about? That's it! Just thought about it! Just dwelled on it, and meditated on how much it mattered to them, without letting their thoughts slip away like they were trying to hold a greased watermelon?

I have nothing else to say.