Day 10

Every day, I grow a little more jittery. There is an energy inside me that has nowhere to go.

With each progressive day, some around me seem to grow more somber, slipping further and further into their computer screens, spending longer and longer sleeping in the days, lifting their feet a little less high. By the end of the 42, they may be like the old ents in Lord of the Rings - just more trees in the forest - or like the old pirates on the Flying Dutchman in Pirates of the Carribean - just more pieces of the ship.

Not I. No, I may well suffer from the opposite fate. I found myself spontaneously jumping in place while brushing my teeth this morning, almost against my will. I can hardly keep from running everywhere I go. When I sit to read, my hand not occupied with the book moves with its own will: running through my hair, tapping the table, or just clenching and unclenching. The upside is that I find myself typing faster than I normally do as my fingers yearn for movement. I got caught actively mouthing the words to Bob Dylan with as much emotion as my face could muster. I got caught because I had ceased to simply mouth. Though in that case, I hardly blame myself. It's Bob Dylan! ("How does it feel/To be on your own/With no direction home/Like a complete unknown /Like a rolling stone?")

You will know I have gone crazy when I start dancing with Michael Jackson and showing off my air guitar skills. Or maybe that's just when I've hit rock bottom, which is not always a bad place to be. "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." When the energy inside is so great that explode, and little bits of me spray the soot-stained walls, then we will know I had spent too much time in PPD.

Since I wrote that, they took us all on another walk! The grasshoppers were wooing each other, wooing me. A few birds joined in, singing harmony. Cotton floated in the breeze. The walk was sort of a release valve for my pent-up energy. Not much of a release, but a little release. I don't know what we did to deserve this unexpected treat, but I hope they start taking us on more walks.

And now I think I will go watch an action movie.